Racing thoughts and racing heart.
Interior monologue something like this (purely
fictional) reinactment….
“omg, omg, help me,
help us, please…
Granny May is off her
rocker and walking down Main Street in her panties… Suzy Q.
fell off the wagon…
Tina Mae’s husband left her for that conniving witch… Little Danny boy’s fighting in Afghanistan… Mindy Lou’s
headed to jail… Cousin It was just diagnosed as schizophrenic… I am going blind
and…
What should we do? What should I do???”
Worry, worry, fret, fret.
Rats in the belfry. (They are even nastier than bats.)
Okay. That was (at
least partially) fictional. But I constantly find my mind hyperventilating
with worry. Spinning round and round and round in a conundrum of “what if?s and what next?s.”
Roiling, churning anxieties that defy any of the promised
peace.
Everything stinks,
stinks, stinks, and stinks, I think and think and think and think.
(Sorry. Been reading a lot of Dr. Seuss this year.)
In spite of this, something very strange has been happening
lately. In the middle of one of those inner tirades, I noticed something
bizarre.
There was a
soundtrack. Background music.
I caught myself actually humming along to it. While I was agitating. In the middle of an avalanche of negative thoughts.
Maybe I’m the one who is schizophrenic.
There was a major disconnect. These were the words I was humming:
“Praise the Lord, oh
my soul
Oh my soul…”
On another occasion, I was railing against the universe in a hundred different ways, and discovered myself humming this:
“…my God is mighty to
save, mighty to save…” (Listen here.)
While fuming about how evil evil is, I heard myself
humming (outloud)…
Have I finally gone over the edge?
Or could it be an
answered prayer?
For years, I have prayed for my mind to be
“renewed.” After Katherine’s brain
explosion, I read countless books about the brain and it’s amazing
‘elasticity.’ I have been intrigued by the idea that one can reprogram one’s brain.
Intentionally re-wire
it.
And so, I have tried.
When demons of depression and defeat have attacked like an invading army, I have turned on loud praise
music in defiance. I've filled the house with it, even when I felt more like crying and cursing
than praying and praising.
Evidently, it has been delivering subliminal messages to my
spirit, even as my mind has rebelled.
It is absolutely shocking.
The most dismal, negative thoughts are being drowned out by
joyful, hopeful praise and worship. In
spite of myself.
Trust me: This is not just the power of positive thinking.
For me, there is no such thing.
This is supernatural. A gift not earned.
I am in wonder. Disbelief.
There’s a song of love and hope that flows through the
universe like a river underground. Sometimes its exquisite melody breaks through the din
and clamor of the weary, warring world. One day, the chorus will swell into a crescendo that drowns out
all other sound.
Can you hear it?
Can you hear it?
I intentionally subdue the doubting mind in order to
receive gifts that are given only to an open, humbled spirit.
Yes, despite everything, I do praise the
Lord, oh my soul.
(And all shall be
well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well…
...one day.)
***************
"Do not conform to the pattern of this world,
but be transformed by the renewing of your mind..."
(Romans 12:2)
Posts
6 comments:
Kim,
I just met a powerful (much younger) Prayer Warrior and her husband yesterday at my local health food store. She gave me the same message. Told me when a negative thought or fearful, or unforgiving thought rose in my mind or spirt, I was to take immediate action and not accept it. Cling to the scriptures and rebuke them, telling those spirits, "I don't accept you." Quite an interesting and uplifting conversation . So, maybe while you were contemplating this blog, I was receiving the same WORD. She told me I could reprogram my brain, damaged as it was from CFS, and find healing, but it was MY CHOICE in how I dealt with the assaults that mattered most. Forgive, be fearless, and claim what is positive for my health. al in line with scripture...
Has your second cataract surgery proved successful? I prayed for you so much..all shall be well...
Love,
Candy
I needed this today. You have no idea. I love your writing and look forward to more, in God's and your time.
Sometimes, I DO hear it, but I need to be reminded to listen, over and over, so thanks so much for the reminder. It was fun to see pictures of the cabin on the other blog. Looks heavenly there in the woods. Hope you're feeling better. Prayers for Katherine's healing, too.
Em
I have read your blog since the start & often send the link to others. I started one of my own about being an encourager. I would like to quote some of this one on my site. Would that be OK with you? Here is link to my blog if you want to check it our before you decide. Have a God day! Pat
http://aweadventure.wordpress.com/2012/10/07/a-word-of-encouragement-11/
Pat, it would be a honor to be quoted. In a dr.s waiting room now, but will check out your blog when I get home. Blessings! Kim
Kim,
I have sent out my post in which I use a quote from this one of yours. Here is the link if you want to see how I used your words. Have a God day! Pat
http://aweadventure.wordpress.com/2012/11/02/a-word-of-encouragement-12/
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